5 Ways Yoga Stopped Anxiety From Controlling Me

As a young girl, I distinctly remember counting my steps in my head or stepping over lines with my left foot because I thought if I didn’t, something bad might happen. As the years passed, my anxiety shifted. I had to wash my hands often and immediately put lotion on. My ponytail had to be just right with no bumps. I had to make straight A’s. When I began competing seriously in tennis as a high schooler and in college, I often became so nervous before matches, I’d vomit. 

In college, my apartment had to be spotless and my grades had to be phenomenal. Outwardly, I was pretty happy. However, pressure and anxiety led me to some heavy binge drinking in my teen years and early twenties. Once I became a mom, my drinking was much rarer, but I had no outlet for the severe anxiety and panic attacks taking over my mind and body.

After my Granni passed away from Covid in 2020, I started practicing meditation and yoga. Very quickly, I noticed a difference in my mental health. Now that I’m on the other side, I can look back and see that like Riley in Inside Out 2, my control panel had been hijacked by anxiety. Here are 5 ways yoga stopped anxiety from controlling me.

1. Parenting

Shoo, becoming a mom is when my anxiety went through the roof. The memory of changing Jamey’s diaper in the hospital and thinking “I don’t think I can do this” is vivid. When he projectile vomited on my gorgeous friend’s sweater at 2 weeks old, Google had me convinced he had pyloric stenosis and he was going to need surgery. I also kept a thermometer on me at all times and took his temperature a solid 10-15 times a day, convinced he would develop a fever and die.

Thoughts of losing him and not being able to survive said loss sucked me in like an inescapable black hole. It affected my parenting, my marriage, and my well-being. When I was hospitalized with a GI infection and damn near underweight, things had to change. The realization that I had to take better care of myself in order to better care for my children hit me like a brick wall.

When my son hit toddlerhood and began hitting, biting, and having the developmentally normal screaming meltdowns, I was unable to stay regulated. Rather than modeling emotional intelligence, I reverted to yelling and even the occasional spanking in order to control him. This is something I am not proud of, but want to be honest about. (I’ll write another blog on yelling and spanking and how once I knew better, I did better). 

Four years into consistent yoga/meditation practice and I feel like a completely different mom. Sure, worries of something terrible happening still occasionally cross my mind, but now I’m able to let those thoughts go and remind myself that at this moment, my kids are safe and healthy. 

As a meditating mama, my patience and emotional intelligence has grown tenfold. While there’s a ton of room for improvement and I still occasionally lose it, I’m proud of how far I’ve come. If having a kid that Dr. Becky would call “deeply feeling” has taught me anything, it’s that I have to model calmness if I want my littles to learn it. Nowadays, I can usually stay regulated during my son’s meltdowns rather than joining the dysregulated chaos. 

2. People Pleasing/Social Anxiety

Ah, the good ol’ “try to make everybody else happy at the detriment of my own happiness” lifestyle. What a fun time that was. People pleasing was my downfall up until just a few years ago. I often made a fool of myself just to get a laugh.

Saying “no” usually came with in-depth explanations for why I was unable to do something and later, led to tons of overthinking on my end. Are they going to be mad at me because I said no?

After chatting with someone for a little while, I would often replay the conversation in my head. Why did I overshare in such a way? Was I positive enough? Did they feel better or worse after having talked to me? 

When I worked at Costco for a few years, I would literally run everywhere for the members and my managers. Ma’am, the bagels actually come with 2 sleeves… Let me sprint to the back of the warehouse and get you another one. Why? I didn’t get paid more for running!

The pressure of keeping people happy was suffocating. I felt responsible for fixing their sadness. Now, ain’t nobody got time for that. Yes, I still want to be a light for others, but mindfulness has taught me that I’m responsible for my own feelings and nobody else’s. There are people who want to live in their darkness, and nobody can change that. 

The only thing I can do is fill my own cup, set my boundaries, and throw out kindness and positive energy like confetti. Spending all my time trying to make people happy or worrying that I’ve done or said something wrong doesn’t serve me or others. 

3. Excessive Cleaning

For a long time, my apartment and car had to be spotless, always. I was scrubbing bathrooms, vacuuming, disinfecting, etc. at least once a week. And this was before a worldwide pandemic. My carpet needed to have those beautiful vacuum streaks or else things didn’t feel clean enough.

Don’t get me wrong, my house is still clean, especially considering I have young children. (My husband and I both tend to do a little bit of picking up, dishes, laundry, etc. daily). Now though, much more time passes between deep cleaning. 

Are those crumbs on the ground? Come here Harper Girl (our dog), do your job. Mama doesn’t feel like busting out the vacuum. When the toilet starts to smell like urine (cuz my son doesn’t always aim) is when I know it’s probably time for a wipe down. Nowadays, my time is spent doing more enjoyable things rather than Cloroxing all the door handles weekly. 😛

4. Disordered Eating

Once Covid hit, my anxiety was somehow even higher. To deal with it and the fact that we couldn’t get out of the house much, I began running. Exercise is a great way to alleviate some of the symptoms! However, I also began restricting my eating. So, not only was I burning more calories than usual, I was also taking in less calories. In a scary world that I had no control over, the one thing I could control was how much food I ate.

It wasn’t always on purpose… My anxiety and my appetite have an inverse correlation. One day while vacuuming (of course) at around 3PM,  I realized that I hadn’t had a bite of food that day. Food was no longer a source of joy for me. In total, I only dropped about 20lbs, but it was 20lbs that didn’t need to be lost. 

Now, food brings me happiness again. When my husband makes me a gigantic plate of taco salad (by salad, I mean all the taco toppings served on chips), I savor every bite. Due to pregnancy and now breastfeeding, this girl is out-eating my husband at most meals.

For the longest time, I didn’t like my reflection. I’m not at my pre-pregnancy weight, but I like what I see in the mirror. Mindfulness taught me to speak kindly to myself and that food is one of the many pleasures in life. 

5. Tennis

Competing was when my anxiety was most obvious. I was often trembling before a match or even on the verge of tears. Sometimes, my head was clear and I was able to play my best. Most times, though, thoughts of losing or that I just wasn’t good enough overwhelmed me. It was rare that I walked on the court with the confidence needed to play my best.

The monthly USTA tournaments in high school weighed me down heavily. After losing (usually in the second round or fairly quickly in the consolation bracket), I would think “okay, I have a whole month until the next one.” 

The performance anxiety was somewhat better in college due to the pure consistency of matches, but the thought of disappointing my team, my parents, and myself hung over me like a dark rain cloud. And if the deciding point came down to my match, forget it.

Of course now when I play it’s much different, mindfulness lifestyle or not. The pressure simply isn’t there. However, in the few tournaments I’ve played for fun since practicing yoga consistently, I’ve played awesome. Loosey-goosey, slapping winners kind of play. I’m smiling on the court and enjoying every minute of it. I can take a deep breath before hitting a second serve and tell myself “this is gonna go in,” rather than “please don’t double fault, please don’t double fault.” It’s crazy what a more positive mindset can do for your game.

If I could give advice to any college athlete, it would be to practice noticing their breath – daily. If I were a coach, I’d have my players meditating for 5-10 minutes daily before practice or even cooling down with 10-15 minutes of yoga afterwards. I’d be willing to bet positive results would be recognizable within a month. Had I known about mindfulness techniques as a young collegiate athlete, it would have, without a doubt, changed my level of play.

Conclusion

Anxiety has played a huge role in my life for well, most of my life. From high school to college tennis to becoming a mom, it has been there, controlling me. Yoga and meditation have my eternal gratitude because these days, anxiety is no longer running the show. I am in control of my life. The present moment has my focus rather than the past or the future. And, even during hard seasons, the present moment is beautiful.